It was Ash Wednesday 2020. I was in London staying with a friend and found myself wandering into St. Paul’s Cathedral.
I hadn’t been inside a church for years. I don’t know why I walked in there, other than my heart needed to bleed.
I sat in a chair off to the left of center, letting my body absorb the happenings around me. Which wasn’t much. It was quiet. People coming and going. Saying their prayers and moving on with their day.
At some point the chair wasn’t cutting it. My body had to pray a different way. So I made my way into extended child’s pose on the floor of St. Paul’s and let my heart breathe.
And it breathed alright. Rising and falling, whimpers whispering through my skin.
After 5 minutes or so, a church attendant came over to me.
“Are you ok?”, she asked.
I raised my head, tears watering my face, nodding, ‘Yes I’m fine.’
I don’t remember what I was thinking down there on a makeshift mat. I don’t even really remember what I was feeling. But I walked out of there clear.
I needed to tell a story.
So I made my way to my favorite spot in Hampstead Heath and began scribbling away.
I thought it was a book. I committed to writing this book for 2.5 years. I started this Substack to make me write the book. I was calling it Love out of Bounds.
Then something else landed in my lap. Something even bigger than the book.
Because even as I was teasing out the stories to tell in the book, I was holding back inside. In my writing, my business, my marriage, my friendships, my life.
And I was sick and tired of it.
Tired of trying to be 'nice'.
Tired of working hard to keep up with the latest and greatest, logic my way through, and make sure I sound ‘smart’.
I want to play with something bigger than that.
And it might mean breaking some rules. (Like praying in a church in child’s pose.)
What landed in my lap was a big invitation.
For all of us.
To break out of the mold.
To lean into the places we've been sitting tight.
In our bodies.
In our hearts.
Especially in our bodies.
To lean into the thing we’re afraid of (like, crying in a silent church making just enough noise to call attention to yourself.)
Letting on what we REALLY feel, what we REALLY want to say, what we REALLY want to do, because (oops emoji) that might not be OK.
Not OK by who? Oh, you know, just all those people we've decided hold the keys to our safety. Family. Friends. Neighbours. Strangers on the street.
Not anymore.
It's time to make room for all of you.
Your rage. Your joy. Whatever is simmering inside you.
And sometimes wails, and moans, and tears, and giggles and cackles, and get this… swear words… is what first comes out when you finally give you and your body a voice.
This is what landed in my lap.
An invitation to Love out of Bounds.
To play outside the bounds we keep ourselves in.
To let Love play outside the bounds we keep it in.
That’s why this publication is here.
I’m still telling the story. Outside the bounds of a book (for now).
And while I’m telling my story, you’re invited to get to grips with yours.
Feel into your body with me.
Let your heart bleed with me.
Raise the volume of your voice with me.
If you haven’t already, Subscribe below and join me.
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Thanks for being here.
Kendra