Story: "Can you feel your body on the chair?"
Plus an open invite to a bonus community gathering Friday June 30th
I want to tell you guys about the first time I went to see my ‘SE lady’, Tanya.
It was the middle of winter in 2017, and I was being dutiful. I was there for my client. Bad things had happened to her. Things that were way outside the scope of my practice. So I was crossing t’s and dotting i’s so I could recommend this ‘Somatic Experiencing’ trauma resolution thing to my client in good faith.
I sat down in the chair Tanya offered to me, assuming I’d be in and out in three sessions or less. I didn’t have trauma. Nothing really that bad had happened to me. I was just there to know what this was about, and maybe walk away with a slightly more chilled-out nervous system.
So there I was sitting in a chair, and Tanya started the session. She asked why I was there. I told her about my client. I told her I was just curious really. And oh yeah, there was that time 8 years ago I had a panic attack. It was nothing really. But maybe we could figure out what that was all about.
She suggested I just breathe for a minute. And then she asked the million dollar question that changed everything.
“Can you feel your body on the chair?”
No Tanya, I can’t feel my body on the chair. It’s a chair. What’s there to feel anyway?
Of course, I didn’t say that to her. I just kind of looked at her, not knowing what I was supposed to do.
“Just see if you can notice, where your body meets the chair.”
I still couldn’t feel anything. That was nice of her though, to help me out. I kinda wanted to bend over and take a quick peek at where my body touched the chair, to see if I could see what was happening there. To see if I could see what I was supposed to notice. That would’ve been weird though. Not that this wasn’t already weird. I mean who does this? Sit still and just ‘notice your body on the chair’?
“Ummmm, I don’t think I can feel anything.”
At least I was honest. I might as well have been sitting on air.
“That’s ok. We can give this some time. Maybe look over here. At the flowers on the windowsill.”
They were pretty. Yellow. And pink.
“What do you notice now?”
My hands were cold. “My hands are cold.”
“Great, that’s great.” She said that like you’d coo at a baby you were holding in your arms trying to rock to sleep. It was kinda nice to hear. But seriously? ‘Great’ that my hands were cold?
“Maybe I can kinda notice where my thighs touch the chair.” I was trying really hard to notice that they were.
She looked at me, as if she were looking for something. Like trying to find a clue pasted to my face or a sticky note stuck on my arm.
“What do you notice now?”
“Ummmm, the chair is still there.”
“Good. What do you notice about the chair?”
“It’s holding me?” Kind of obvious, but the words just sort of fell out of my mouth.
“Yes, good. What else?”
I didn’t know what else. So I squirmed in my seat a bit. Maybe then I could feel whatever it was she wanted me to feel. “Ummmm, it’s hard?”
“Yes, good. And what else?”
And we continued like this for another 45 minutes letting my body ‘notice’ this chair. I wasn’t quite sure why I was paying her for this.
“I’d like two more sessions please.”, I told her when we were done. I still didn’t know why I was paying her for this, and yet I also wanted more.
She just looked at me. Those big round dark eyes of hers still looking for something.
“Let’s just see how it goes. You never know the timeline of the body.”
“Sure.”, I said. We’ll see, I thought. I’m a fast learner. I’ll be done and outta here in two weeks.
That was 328 weeks ago. I still see Tanya. Because that’s the day 1 and 1 started adding up to 3.
So that’s my story of how I first got hooked at this embodiment, nervous system, ‘listen to your body’ thing.
Here’s the cliff notes of what happened after that.
Turns out I do ‘have trauma’. The complex, amorphous, can’t quite define it in a nutshell kind.
I kept looking for the ‘bad thing’ that happened to me. Turns out you don’t need one ‘bad thing’ to happen to you to have a nervous system stuck in some sort of freeze/flight/fight response. Turns out lots of ‘little things’ added up to my nervous system having a default setting of ‘keep calm and carry on’, ‘keep busy and earn your worthy’ and other mottos that might seem harmless or normal. Some of those ‘little things’ happened even before my lifetime.
I’m pretty sure the main reason I went back to see Tanya was because I wasn’t going to let my body stump me. I was used to being an A+ student, and my body was a subject matter I wanted to ace. Turns out I became a student of my body. Turns out it will always be my teacher. Nothing to ace, just lots to learn.
Tanya was right, you never know the timeline of your body. Turns out my body likes to move slow. And steady. It’s not just a tortoise strategy to win the race. Turns out my body doesn’t like to race. (Which is just a little bit ironic seeing as I ran track in college…)
That day I went to see Tanya, I thought I didn’t really need her or what she had to offer. I thought because I was over my eating disorder and coaching others, that I was good to go. I thought that 1 plus 1 equaled 2, and that my life was neatly adding up to two.
Turns out that’s part of my trauma. The idea that one day you ‘arrive’ somewhere and then you are ‘done’. Like the binary version of heaven and hell.
Turns out you are never ‘there’ or ‘done’. Turns out you just keep going deeper. Deeper into your body. Deeper into who you were created to be.
And just when you think you know yourself, there’s more. That’s the only ‘place’ you get to. The place where nothing makes sense anymore. You can’t tie everything up neatly in a bow, and that’s OK. The place where 1 and 1 equals three.
And all that, just from feeling your body on the chair.
Special Invite for You
I have to watch out for the slightly evangelistic part of me that wants everybody to know about how awesome your body is and how it can open up this whole other world of healing and living and knowing yourself.
I have to watch out for it because where I come from, it was our job to convert everybody around us to drink the Jesus kool-aid. Six years in to seeing Tanya, and I haven’t fully unwound that yet. My body still finds sales and marketing, and sharing about things I care about, icky because of it. And I also trust we’ll get there, all in good time.
In the meantime, I do want to invite you to something that’s really special for me.
Since meeting Tanya, I went on to train to guide others to ‘feel their body on the chair’. To learn the language of your body so you can start to understand what it’s telling you and unwind the patterns of trauma.
This is what we’ve been up to in the monthly online gatherings for this community. Normally these gatherings are for Paid Subscribers to this publication, this month though, we’re meeting twice, and you’re invited to join the bonus gathering for free.
Why? Because learning to feel your body on the chair gives you a window to relate to all the layers of you beyond the chair.
It doesn’t matter if you can’t tell you’re sitting on anything right now, or if you’ve been a student of your body for awhile. There is always more to find.
During our gatherings, I am there as a guide to help you navigate the landscape of your body, and as a translator, to help you hear what it’s saying.
If you’ve been craving that feeling of ‘coming home’ to yourself, come along. This Friday’s gathering if a free gift from me!
We meet on Zoom. I’ll send out the link separately. For now, put Friday, June 30th, 4pm BST (11am Eastern, 8am Pacific) in your calendar.
I hope to see you there.
PS know someone who’d love this right now? Feel free to share the invite with a friend.
PPS Curious about Tanya and the work she does? Here’s what she’s up to.